The Strange Tale of Mr Valens; Part 3

Ah, you foolish Valens. Do you truly believe you hold such command over your life, that all things bend to your will and lie within your grasp? In this brief flicker of existence you have known, is your self-awareness truly so profound as you imagine? Of course not, Valens. Life is far more intricate than equations or the tired struggle between fear and desire. This is your life not a scene from a film to be analyzed from a distance, but a reality you must live and feel with every trembling breath.

Now, if you’re ready, I shall draw open a new curtain of dreams so we may witness Valens caught in the midst of an inner reckoning he never anticipated. As he ventured into the depths of his soul, he knew all too well that he was being pulled into a series of unknowns, a chain of uncertainties. Yet he was utterly convinced that he could weather them all. And that, precisely, was what made him a fool.

Yes, he was aware of how difficult it would all be, and he was certain that the turmoil within his soul would one day take him captive. Valens felt the tremor of uncertainty and the weight of the unknown down to his very bones. But he no longer wished to be like that ivy-covered house at the corner, hidden behind its tangled walls. He longed to tear away the vines that clung to his spirit and cast them out, root and all.

Yet Valens’s greatest source of motivation in this inward journey was his belief that at its end lay a place of light, a final destination bathed in clarity. It was this conviction that gave him strength, that made him believe he could remain standing and move forward without fear. But do not be fooled by the elegance of Valens’s words; fear, anxiety, unease, hatred his ability to endure these was not due to some mystical force lurking in the depths of his soul.

Life is far stranger than you imagine, Mister Valens. At times, when the ivy that clings to the house is finally torn away, what remains is nothing more than crumbling walls and fading stone. And more often than not, a façade still veiled in ivy is far gentler on the eyes than the ruin it conceals. But of course, wise Mister Valens, certain as he is in all things, did not hesitate for a moment to embark on this journey or to unleash me upon you in the process.

Life is far stranger than you think, Mr. Valens. Sometimes, when the ivy that clings to the house is finally torn away, all that remains are the crumbling, decayed walls beneath. And more often than not, the sight of ivy left untouched is far more beautiful than the bare ruin it conceals. But of course, wise Mr. Valens, in his infinite understanding, never hesitated to embark on this journey—or to unleash me upon you as its consequence.

Or did you truly believe Valens was undertaking this journey with none but Darin, Telder, and Gabarin at his side? It may be natural for you to assume so but that fool shall not deceive me. He has yet to utter a single word about Nole, but I will force him to bring her into the light. For in this journey, emotions will not remain so neatly divided into black and white.

At times, the strangest shades of grey will become Valens’s deepest obsessions. This voyage he imagined as a flight from darkness and a march toward light I hope you will forgive me if I twist it slightly. I am tinting the entire atmosphere in grey and, through a gentle, dimming haze, I present to you Nole. That fool Valens is trying to interrupt again. Very well, let us hear him out just for a moment before I continue with my introduction.

Perhaps you are right. Perhaps I am not as aware of it all as I claim to be, and perhaps this soul of mine is destined to meet with disappointment. Yet my fervent longings shall never fade, nor shall the dark dreams I hoped would flee remain unspoken. Perhaps these restless hesitations will come to an end at last. But never shall I allow these inevitable descents into ruin to prevail.

Perhaps you are right after all, for I believe one of the things that gave me the greatest courage to begin this journey was my faith in the light that waits at its end. But if we were truly certain of how the journey ends, do you think we could still play this strange game called life? Would we not be bound by the curse of certainty, stripped of will, and robbed of those endless hopeful waitings that make the path bearable?

Of course I must rid myself of the ivy that clings to that house. It matters little to me if what remains is nothing more than a few broken walls and a scattering of faded curtains. Even if I were certain that a beautiful view lay hidden behind the green, it would still not move me if what emerged turned out to be an old, dark ruin. For deep down I know all too well that these vines, which reflect the finest shades of green from the outside, cast only shadows that dance with gloom within. And in the end, the one who lives in that ivy-covered house on the corner is slowly drawn into a sorrowful solitude.

I cannot claim to know myself well, and truth be told, had I known myself fully, I would never have embarked on such a journey. Yet if there is one thing I do believe about who I am, it is this that behind these dark bars enclosing my soul, there waits a version of Valens filled with joy, eager to emerge. That Valens is the truest form of myself, and reaching him is the very purpose of this journey. The reason I delayed it for so long was simply this: it took me time to believe, with enough certainty, that the truths awaiting me at the end of the road would be worth discovering, and that the faith I held in their goodness was strong enough to carry me through.

A melody reached my ear from the depths below the melody of a man who has never wearied of waiting or hoping. And indeed, it was heard only by those who truly feel. It was the song of a soul unafraid to dance within the dark. If you too are willing to listen to this rare and haunting tune, then come, and we shall continue this strange and wondrous journey together. But if even the slightest doubt lingers within you, I beg you, do not follow us into this uncertain dream. For we ourselves do not know how this journey ends, and together we must build the path that leads to the ivyless house we hope to find.

At this turn of our journey, all things lie so squarely betwixt that I feel as one who, striving to cross a swift rushing river, finds himself trembling upon its very midst. ’Tis that perilous point where the hazard of turning back differs not from the hazard of pressing on. And surely, at such a juncture, thou expect’st not that I should flee? Nay, for with that mystic force stirring deep within my soul, I shall, in desperate vigor, cast myself forward and make one final, resolute stride.

With the force of all those powerful feelings I have harbored for years yet never dared to fully express, I will make my final move and thrust myself forward. Hatred, sorrow, pride, hope, love, fear, grief every fierce emotion one could name, I now feel them all again, plunging into their deepest depths. And from within this storm, I find an extraordinary and unquestioning courage rising in me, enough to take that final step.

The only thing I no longer feel is hesitation. For now I know with unwavering clarity what it is I desire even if I cannot yet tell how I will face the consequences it brings. At this point, the most dangerous feeling of all would be uncertainty. The slightest doubt in the middle of this road would surely drag us down to its lowest edge. That is why, without fear, I set sail upon these mysterious waters, and grant the wind a little permission to guide me through the strange contradictions that stir within my soul.

Ah Valens, it was you who opened your subconscious to me, so that someone might walk beside you and strike your face with the weight of truth as you make your way down this path. And it was I who opened this journey to the eyes of others, so that your inner reckonings and shadowed desires would not drag me down to the foot of some desolate mountain ruled by fear.

That is why, no matter how painful it may be, I shall lay before you every fracture the veil of reality dares to reveal, and I will cast light upon all the obstacles you have yet to notice along your narrow path. To part the fog that clouds your eyes and help you perceive the tricks your mind plays upon you, I shall whisper to you soft lullabies of deliverance, like cues given to an actor trapped in the longest soliloquy of an endless play, aching for a way out.

Do not be afraid, Valens for on this journey, we are all with you. We know you draw strength from us, just as we draw strength from you. I am certain that many who watch your journey from afar will find the courage to begin their own path of self-discovery, inspired by your resolve. I know you are afraid, Valens, because we are afraid too. But it is our weakness that makes us precious. For if we were not fragile, we would not need one another and in a world where no one needs anyone else, what could possibly hold any worth?

Was it not true that all which gives meaning to our lives is woven from great dilemmas and enduring mysteries? One of the greatest gifts granted to us by God was a life removed from absolute power and unshaken certainty. The unrest born of uncertainty is surely better than the unease born of absoluteness. For otherwise, faith would be replaced by mere knowledge, passion would give way to worry, and life itself would dissolve into nothing more than a simple, predictable design.